Ring Theory, Pandemic Edition: Comfort In, Dump Out, Switch.

Usually, with trauma and grief, there’s a single person or a couple or one family who is at the core of what’s happened. I love psychologist Susan Silk’s theory on how to be most helpful to the person(s) suffering: she says you should think of the afflicted — say the person with the illness or the individual who has lost a partner — in the center of a very small circle. Then you draw a circle in your mind around them — that circle is the person who is closest to the one(s) in the center. Continue to add circles as many times as you need to and in each larger ring, put the next closest people.

When you are done, you have what Susan calls a “Kvetching Order.” The rules are simple: the person(s) in the center ring can say anything to anyone in the bigger circles; they can complain and moan and whine and say inappropriate things whenever they feel like it. They do not have to be cheery or brave. That’s the only bonus of being the center ring person.

When you’re talking to someone in a ring smaller than yours, the goal is to help, to comfort, to listen. Not to give advice or try to fix it. Maybe offer a hug, or a pot roast. If you want to cry or complain about what’s happened, you can — just make sure you’re doing it with someone in a ring larger than yours. See diagram: comfort in, dump out. This way, not only are you…